One Crazy Old Single Lady

We’ve all heard it said a million times that life can change in the blink of an eye. That is absolutely NO joke. But, until it actually happens to you, you have no clue how very true it is. You never really think it CAN happen to you either. Then suddenly, the universe shows you how wrong you are. It will slap you hard across the teeth out of nowhere, and at a moment where you would never see it coming.

That’s how it was for me, anyway. One brief, unexpected phone call changed everything. I mean…EVERYTHING! And, what is it about moments of trauma that makes you remember it so vividly? Kinda like the way people remember where they were when Elvis died, or when that first plane struck the WTC tower on 9/11/01. That’s exactly how this moment was for me. Every little detail is preserved like a high definition photograph.

It was around 3:00 on a beautiful Saturday afternoon in late spring, 2024. The air was somewhat thick with humidity after strong storms brought some much needed, heavy rains the night before, and lowered the temperatures to some nice, below brain-boiling levels. Earlier, that morning, I had attended the graveside funeral of my first mother-in-law where I had gotten to see and visit with some folks I hadn’t seen in years. I had been home for about 45 minutes, had changed into a comfy pair of shorts, and settled in with a pipe loaded with some stout weed, and a Kevin Hart stand-up performance on Peacock on the TV, looking forward to a relaxing evening, chilling by myself.

It wasn’t just a good moment, it was a a good time in my life. For the first time in a long time, I was so contented and happy with things. A string of closings in the weeks before left a decent little sum of money in my bank account. Having quit a part time job I had a couple of months before, I now had more time for self improvement–workouts, time in the tanning bed, healthy meal prepping, and shopping for clothes, which were now a size smaller than the year before. I could hardly pass a mirror without smiling. My son, who had been struggling with addiction was now clean and sober, and thriving in his life. But, the most exciting thing I had going on at that point in my life is that I was crazy, madly, passionately in love with a man that couldn’t have been more perfect if I had him special ordered and custom designed.

For privacy purposes, I won’t use his real name. Let’s just call him Todd. I had actually known him most of my life. We met when we were kids, and our moms were best friends. In fact, I used to babysit him and his younger brother from time to time. They were like siblings to me. Todd & I had a cherished friendship all the way through adulthood, even though sometimes we went months, even years without being in contact with each other. It was not a real well kept secret that he had always had a little crush on me too. Our moms would sometimes joke about that to me, and I thought it was kinda cute & sweet. But, given the fact that he WAS like a sibling to me, it was something I would not have dared even thought of acting on. At least, not until a few months after I split with my third husband.

Todd and I ran into each other one evening at a 50th birthday party of a mutual friend. It had been quite a while since I had seen him. He came up to me, sat down beside me, and told me how sorry he was to hear of my split from my ex. I told him, “Pffffft! Don’t be! I am sooooo much happier without him! Piss on him!” Todd just laughed a bit at that, and then shocked me by saying, “Well, good. I guess that leaves you wide open to be with me, then.”

The expression on my face must have looked like I had just been slapped with a wet noodle. Many, many times before that, there had been some very innocent, and platonic flirting between he and I, but never anything more. We were FRIENDS who thought very much of each other and had a great bond, but that’s it. He had never blatantly come on to me like that before, and I honestly had no idea how to react to it. “Todd!” I gasped, and pointed across the room. “You know your girlfriend is right over there!”
“Oh hell,” he said, with a dismissive wave of his hand. “She knows how I am.”
“Well….I didn’t.” I told him. And, I really didn’t! The Todd I knew was a loving, choir boy of a husband to his ex-wife when they were together, and now, a faithful partner to this girl he had been living with for quite a few years. I found out, however….that was not the case at all. I learned a few days later from one of the gossip queens of my hometown, who shall remain nameless, that Todd and this girl had a very open relationship, if you know what I mean. I had no clue, and had a difficult time swallowing it. I mean….Todd?! MY sweet, shy little Todd? A SWINGER?? Ain’t no way. It absolutely floored me. But….I digress.
“Hey,” Todd said, “If I’m offending you at all, just tell me. You know I would never want to do or say anything to upset you. But, surely you are aware that I’ve always had the biggest crush on you.”
I just kinda smiled at him. “Yeah, I’m aware,” I said.
From that moment, I don’t know what came over me. All of a sudden I realized that I was interested, and I didn’t know how to feel about, or how to handle it. I mean, he was a taken man, and I knew it was wrong, even before I knew about their open relationship. Then, after finding out, it still didn’t make it any more right. I didn’t want any part of a deal like that. Not my thing! Still, something inside me was triggered and I didn’t know how to UNtrigger it.

In the next few weeks that followed, we started to talk daily, and shared a lot of thoughts and feelings as we toyed with the idea of getting together. I told him I had learned about he and the girlfriend’s “extra curricular activities” and let him know that I was most certainly not okay with being some recreational, side-piece, sperm receptacle. He swore adamantly that it wasn’t like that at all, that I meant more to him than that, and always had. He also said, again, that if he was in any way making me feel uncomfortable or offended, please say so and he would lay off. Because the last thing he would ever want to do is harm our friendship.

Then, one night, late, we were talking on the phone. He had been drinking, and was coming on pretty strong. He said something…I don’t even remember exactly what…but it was quite blatantly sexual in nature, and it just hit me the wrong way. It made me feel like I was now a conquest and not a close friend anymore, and I didn’t like it. So, at that point, I put on the brakes. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of this anymore and we should just remain friends. He apologized over and over, and I could tell he felt very bad, but he agreed to just leave it alone. And he did….for a while.

Time went on, and we, of course, remained friends, and spoke, not daily, but regularly. Once in a while, I attended parties at his house, which he regularly held at the mancave he built on his property. (No, not one of THOSE kind of parties…just beer drinking and pool shooting with friends. Get your mind out of the gutter!) But, he never actually stopped trying to pursue me. He kept up regular flirtations, compliments, and told me often how much he cared about me. This went on for about three and a half years, during which I swam some laps in the dating pool, encountering one ridiculous situation after another. It seemed like nothing but a parade of aging, wanna-be Don Juan’s with frat boy mentalities who just wanted one-night penis entertainment, and would say anything to try and get it. I had also been catfished, stood up, lied to, and even sexually assaulted on one occasion. One guy I dated for about 5 months turned out to be a MAJOR drug trafficker. I had NO idea! He was an ex PRCA rodeo cowboy that was hotter than a $5 Rolex, who didn’t drink or smoke, but did seem to have a little bit of a screw loose. I never saw anything in his behavior, or in his home that would indicate what he later got popped for. Thankfully, it was a full year after we broke up that he was arrested, but when they got him, they posted a pic on the Sheriff’s facebook page of what they confiscated from him, and….OMG! All I can say is….HOLY SHIT! (Sorry….digressing again) Anyway, THIS was the dating world for me…an absolute joke.

Then, one day, in early 2024, Todd and I met up at a funeral. After people had filed past the casket and said their goodbyes, he waved me over for one of his big bear hugs as I was still shedding tears. As he did, he whispered in my ear, “We have got to stop going months without talking or hanging out together. We have got to stay close, always.”

Somehow, I knew that statement wasn’t just one of those typical things you say to remaining family or friends when you lose someone you love to death. I pulled back a bit and looked into his eyes, and I knew. I just knew. What he was saying was actually code for, “Fuck it! Let’s just do this thing already!” And, at that moment, I felt the same. I mean, why the hell not? Here was this beautiful, amazing, wonderful man who not only adored me, but would never, EVER hurt or disrespect me. Why was I rejecting that? Ok, yeah…he was technically someone else’s man, but deep down, simmering below the surface there was ALWAYS something there between he and I, long before he had ever met her. We were just never in a position to allow anything to come of it. Maybe he was meant to be with me? We would never know unless we gave it a chance.

So we did.

We let go and allowed our feeling to take us where they may. It had to be done with a certain degree of discretion, of course, but we began dating. We kissed for the first time after spending an afternoon together driving around the old hometown we both grew up in, looking at all the changes that had occured since I moved away. He kept telling me he couldn’t believe it was finally happening, and that he never dreamed I would ever be interested in him. I responded to that with, “Oh my GAWD…who WOULDN’T be?” Jeez, he was beautiful! Both inside and out. And his most attractive quality was that he had no clue how attractive he actually was. That’s what I loved about him the most.

We knew it would be good, but neither of us had any inkling just HOW good it would be, or how powerful. When you let out feelings you had been holding back for 40 years…well, its very hard to describe what that’s like in words. It hit us like a ton of bricks. The love I felt for him was nothing like it had ever been before with anyone else. Ever. He became my complete inner peace, my safest spot in the world. He filled every empty hole I ever had inside. We didn’t have to speak to know what the other was thinking. It was the deepest connection I ever felt with any human being in my life. Like I said…its just hard to describe it in words, and the ones I just used hardly do it justice. And what was extremely difficult was trying to hide what we were feeling around other people now. We couldn’t be in a group with friends and not have people notice.

That following Mother’s Day, he came over to my mother’s house to visit her. My two daughters and their kids were also there. Todd had this car that he loved to show off, a Corvette. He drove it over there that day, and my daughters and grandsons oohed and ahhed over it for a bit before Todd and I got in it, and drove to the cemetery to visit his mother’s grave that day too. When we returned, and he dropped me off and told me goodbye, my oldest daughter was standing on the porch with her arms crossed, eyeballing me with one brow raised. “What??” I asked her.
“Just friends, huh?” She drawled.
“What are you talking about?”
“Oh PLEASE, Mom! Friends don’t look at each other the way you two were doing! Don’t you dare tell me there isn’t anything going on between the two of you. You could cut the sexual tension with a chain saw.”
I didn’t know what to say. So, I simply told her, “Shup, and mind ya business.” Then walked away.

But, after a couple of months, along with all of these deep, exploding feelings for one another came one big burning question: What now? Where were we supposed to go with this? Yes, we were wildly in love, but neither of us were ready or willing to rearrange our lives for it. Did this have a future? Logistics was an issue. The girlfriend was an issue. Our kids were an issue. All we knew is that we wanted to enjoy each other, and spend as much time together as absolutely possible. We were in a place where we just thought we’d sit back and see where it would lead, rather than try to lead it ourselves. Let’s just see what happens.

Then that awful Saturday happened.

He texted me the night before to inform me that one of his long time best friends had a spur of the moment decision to go for a golf weekend in the mountains, and wanted him and the girlfriend to come join them. It really disappointed me because I had hoped to see him that weekend. Actually, I was a little mad too. He knew I would be coming for the funeral, and would want to see him while I was there. It kinda hurt.

So, after the funeral, I went home, got stoned, got comfortable, and was enjoying the Kevin Hart show on TV, when the phone rang. It was Todd’s brother. He called to tell me that Todd had suffered a heart attack while on the golf course.

Immediately I shot up out of my chair, ready to get right back in my car and drive to the mountains to be at his side….girlfriend present or not. “Oh my God!” I gasped. “Where is he at? What hospital is he in? I have to go to him!”

His brother then began explaining that the buddy immediately began administering CPR after Todd fell to the ground, and they realized he wasn’t breathing. He said, they were able to get him breathing again and had a pulse back by the time the ambulance arrived. But, once loaded into the ambulance and driving away, his heart crashed again. They worked on him the whole way…adrenaline needles, defibrillator paddles…everything. But, it didn’t work. “And, well…” he stuttered reluctantly, “He passed away.”

The words fell, but didn’t register. No, no, no….uh uh….I didn’t just hear that. There’s no way that’s possible. “Wait….WHAT?”
All his brother could say was, “Yes.”
“Wait a minute….are you telling me Todd is DEAD?”
“I’m so sorry, Lisa. I know how close you two are, and….”
“NO!” I repeated the word over and over as I began to cry hysterically. Todd’s brother began crying too.

My heart shattered into thousands of pieces. The pain was utterly excruciating, unbearable and unrelenting. For days, I could not eat, sleep, or do anything, really. All I could do is cry, smoke cigarettes, and shake uncontrollably. I would stare at pictures and videos of him, listen to all the songs that he loved, or the songs that described so perfectly my love for him. I couldn’t work, and told my clients I needed some time to recover. They all understood, and offered their kind words and condolences. My friends allowed me to cry on the phone to them, and did what they could to comfort me. But, it became painfully clear to me in the weeks that followed, I was never going to get over this. What’s more, grief can, and will kill you. That’s what happens to little old couples…one spouse will pass away, and the other will follow behind shortly after. I totally get that now. Broken hearts WILL kill you. And truth be known, at the time, that’s exactly what I wanted. I just wanted to go be with Todd. Facing life without him was just too damn painful. More so than I ever dreamed it would be. Because when he died, every good thing going in my life went right along with him.

I did the best I could to pull myself together, only because I knew that’s exactly what Todd would have wanted me to do. He would have told me that he wasn’t worth allowing my life to be destroyed over. I know those are the words he would have used. Like I said…Todd wasn’t even aware of how great his worth was. But, he didn’t really like people who refused to get their shit together, and I know he wouldn’t have tolerated that out of me. So, I mustered what strength I could to go on, but it was a very slow process. And little did I know that his death would be the first of many brutal blows to come ever since.

Work began to dry up. I had one property under contract at the time of his death, but nothing after that. I knew I had to get out and hustle some more work, but nothing was panning out. The high interest rates were hurting the market badly, and lots of realtors were feeling the pain. Us unmarried ones most of all. Money began to run low, and I realized I would have to get out and find another part time job to supplement. But…there were none to be had. At least not for a 56 year old woman. I was being turned down for positions I was MORE than qualified for without so much as an interview. Before I knew it, my bank account was drained, and I had nothing coming in to replenish it…..FOR FIVE STRAIGHT MONTHS. I had to live on credit cards for a while, but those were maxed out in no time.

In addition to that, there were other blows. More death. My best friend died of cancer just weeks after Todd. Two of my cousins both died mysteriously in their sleep. My youngest daughter was hospitalized in the ICU with a horrific infection in her abdomen, and I almost lost her too. My son, who had been doing so wonderful in his sobriety has now relapsed. His addiction is worse now than it has ever been, and I’m not sure he can or will ever recover again. My oldest daughter and I have had a terrible falling out and haven’t spoken in over a year. I lost a large amount of my hair during my battle with grief over Todd, then lost even more after a case of covid, prompting me to have to cut it off short. Another good friend of mine died from cancer. Then a dear friend of mine lost her husband suddenly and horrifically on Christmas Day. And all that was just in 2024.

2025 brought its own set of horrors. More death, including my oldest brother, which was devastating. I did manage to find work selling furniture, but I never could make any money at it. Somehow, the skill that I once possessed in sales have seemed to disappear. The paychecks I managed to pull in doing that were not big enough to even cover my monthly bills. I was still stuck having to borrow and beg money from friends and relatives. I couldn’t land positions doing something else because of the rampant age discrimination in this town. That is, until finally, late in the year, I managed to land a position working at our county tax office, which was truly horrible. Never in my life have I seen such horrible management. They went out of their way to manifest such negativity and discontent with insane micromanagement, implementing different rules for different employees (what some people got written up for, others were allowed to do openly and frequently), and so much shit talking and backstabbing. I never saw an environment with so much discontent. NOBODY is happy working there. Not one single employee. And, the worst part of all, it barely paid enough to get by. BARELY. So, getting caught up and out of the toilet was not even possible for me, but it was all I could find. AND….I got FIRED from that job a few days ago.

There’s more. Lots more. Including my car breaking down with a necessary repair so far out of my price range, it won’t even be possible unless I win the lottery. I’ve lost a lot of friends just because of the mental toll this has all taken on me. All the ones that were there when Todd died, who told me that even if all I wanted to do was cry, they would offer their shoulder anytime, now are sick to death of hearing me complain and avoid me like the plague. But, what can you say when you have NOTHING good to talk about in your life? I’ve got some health issues happening as well…a lot of doctor visits. My weight is out of control again because all I can afford to eat is cheap, carb-filled crap, and I don’t have the energy or desire to work out.

It may sound like I’m not trying. Like I’m not fighting to recover from it all. That’s not true, though. I am. Being a Christian, of course, I pray, and pray hard. Everyone always tells me that God has a plan. His timing is always perfect, and I will come through this in that time. They also tell me to “just think positively.” Now, that one really pisses me off. I’m so sick of hearing that, I could literally vomit. Thinking positively only sets me up for disappointment. Every time I pray for something, and positively BELIEVE that prayer will be answered, that’s when the sky opens up and shits all over me. And where did people get that we can control the universe with our minds, anyway? Like we have some kind of magical, omnipotent, super power that makes great things happen just by envisioning it? I mean, c’mon! I do keep praying to God for mercy, for stable ground to walk upon. But to actually believe it will happen….I can’t do it. All I can do is brace myself each day for what may come, and deal with it as best I can. And hope. I still have a small shred of that left. But, that’s all I can do. I suffer from depression, and I can tell you that my faith in God is the ONLY thing that has kept me from putting a bullet in my head. I’m too old to struggle like this, and I can’t take it anymore. But…I fear Hell. I do. When I die, I wanna go to Heaven and see my Todd again. I’m not sure committing suicide will get me there, ya know? There’s no WAY to know. For all I know, just thinking about it may be a very displeasing sin in God’s eyes. I just do whatever I can to keep my faith in Him in tact, stay in His Grace as much as possible, and hope and pray He hears my cries.